DAY TWELVE - ABSOLUTE VULNERABILITY
Just like in every relationship, there comes a time in our lives when absolute vulnerability is required to deepen our intimacy with God. If we can not trust Him with our lives, our relationship with Him can only develop so much.
My relationship with Leigh has been a huge example of that to me. Leigh and I were married nearly 7 years ago. When we first got together, there was a lot of excitement and anticipation for the future. The problem was that I carried a lot baggage from my previous relationships into our marriage - not just with guys, but with other people close to me that had broken my heart and my trust - so I struggled to completely trust Leigh. Thankfully he is the kind of guy that has massive amounts of patience, and a serious amount of love and commitment.
I think my biggest struggle was an issue of value and worth. There were many times when Leigh would express his love to me, and even though I loved hearing it, it was clear that I didn't believe it. How could he really love ME that much? I knew he was being genuine but I wondered if his love would fade or disappear if he really got to know me.
But as you might know, God uses the deepest pains and struggles for the greatest good, and the biggest lessons. On 26 Feb 2010, 2 little angels were born to us - Isaiah and Tori Jane. Although they did not live for very long, their birth was an amazing journey for Leigh and I. To start we always prayed that these 2 kids would be children that drew people closer to God. And we were able to see that in the coming days as family and friends expressed their grief and their awe of God through it.
Secondly, my love for Leigh grew exponentially. At 19 weeks, I was rushed to the hospital with some cramping. Upon examination it was clear that there was nothing the doctors could do to keep the 2 babies inside. There was a flicker of hope that if I laid perfectly still on a small incline, we could keep them in long enough for them to survive. So I laid in bed perfectly still, listening to music and praying for the next 4 days. I had continued cramping throughout the evenings, and on Friday, I had a scan that showed no progress. That afternoon, I had a chat with my mom and dad, and afterwards I looked at Leigh and said I'm not sure how much longer I can do this. Leigh just quietly held my hand.
A half hour later, I went into full labour. With tears in my eyes, I wildly looked at Leigh and said, "I'm holding them in the that best I can!"
He looked at me and said, "I know you are honey"
My mind kept repeating, "I can't, I can't! I can't let them go! I don't want to lose my babies!"
Leigh came close and held me, and through his tears said, "Honey we have to let them go." Oh! I didn't want too, but I knew I had to, for my sake, for the babies' sake, and for Leigh's sake.
The next moments are ones that I will never forget. Leigh placed his hands on my stomach and began to pray and speak to the kids. He said something along the lines of,
"Dear God - keep these little ones safe. Hello little ones! I want you to hear my voice. Do not be afraid - the next few moments are going to be really hard, but they won't last long. Even though it might be hard, we are here with you. We love you so much. Oh God keep us in Your hands!"
I began to cry even harder knowing that some of the last sounds my children would hear would be their fathers' voice praying for them and encouraging them.
Throughout the following months and years, we purposefully turned to God as we grieved. And I remember how my relationship developed even more with Leigh. Knowing that he turned to God in the darkest hour, made me trust him even more deeply - and I knew then, that as long as God was Leigh's centre, I could open my heart to trust him more. And as long as I was willing to open my heart to him and allow myself to be vulnerable to him, our relationship could continue to grow.
My relationship with Leigh has been a huge example of that to me. Leigh and I were married nearly 7 years ago. When we first got together, there was a lot of excitement and anticipation for the future. The problem was that I carried a lot baggage from my previous relationships into our marriage - not just with guys, but with other people close to me that had broken my heart and my trust - so I struggled to completely trust Leigh. Thankfully he is the kind of guy that has massive amounts of patience, and a serious amount of love and commitment.
I think my biggest struggle was an issue of value and worth. There were many times when Leigh would express his love to me, and even though I loved hearing it, it was clear that I didn't believe it. How could he really love ME that much? I knew he was being genuine but I wondered if his love would fade or disappear if he really got to know me.
But as you might know, God uses the deepest pains and struggles for the greatest good, and the biggest lessons. On 26 Feb 2010, 2 little angels were born to us - Isaiah and Tori Jane. Although they did not live for very long, their birth was an amazing journey for Leigh and I. To start we always prayed that these 2 kids would be children that drew people closer to God. And we were able to see that in the coming days as family and friends expressed their grief and their awe of God through it.
Secondly, my love for Leigh grew exponentially. At 19 weeks, I was rushed to the hospital with some cramping. Upon examination it was clear that there was nothing the doctors could do to keep the 2 babies inside. There was a flicker of hope that if I laid perfectly still on a small incline, we could keep them in long enough for them to survive. So I laid in bed perfectly still, listening to music and praying for the next 4 days. I had continued cramping throughout the evenings, and on Friday, I had a scan that showed no progress. That afternoon, I had a chat with my mom and dad, and afterwards I looked at Leigh and said I'm not sure how much longer I can do this. Leigh just quietly held my hand.
A half hour later, I went into full labour. With tears in my eyes, I wildly looked at Leigh and said, "I'm holding them in the that best I can!"
He looked at me and said, "I know you are honey"
My mind kept repeating, "I can't, I can't! I can't let them go! I don't want to lose my babies!"
Leigh came close and held me, and through his tears said, "Honey we have to let them go." Oh! I didn't want too, but I knew I had to, for my sake, for the babies' sake, and for Leigh's sake.
The next moments are ones that I will never forget. Leigh placed his hands on my stomach and began to pray and speak to the kids. He said something along the lines of,
"Dear God - keep these little ones safe. Hello little ones! I want you to hear my voice. Do not be afraid - the next few moments are going to be really hard, but they won't last long. Even though it might be hard, we are here with you. We love you so much. Oh God keep us in Your hands!"
I began to cry even harder knowing that some of the last sounds my children would hear would be their fathers' voice praying for them and encouraging them.
Throughout the following months and years, we purposefully turned to God as we grieved. And I remember how my relationship developed even more with Leigh. Knowing that he turned to God in the darkest hour, made me trust him even more deeply - and I knew then, that as long as God was Leigh's centre, I could open my heart to trust him more. And as long as I was willing to open my heart to him and allow myself to be vulnerable to him, our relationship could continue to grow.
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Love you heaps