FAITH & TRIALS
At the beginning of this year, a woman from our church came up to me and asked how I was doing (in respect to grief over the loss of Isaiah and Tori Jane - twins from last year). I replied rather quickly, "Doing fine, thanks." And she said to me, "We have been praying for you, and I believe that you will be holding a baby by Christmas time." Later on she reported, "that she had been praying we'd have twins again."
Some people may struggle with this kind of forward prophecy or word - but at the time it was exactly what I needed to hear to bring a seed of hope back into my heart. I had been aching for someone to speak hope back into me. I guess I was feeling like I was a child that had touched a hot stove and burned myself, and I was scared to get burned again - and I just wanted desperately for someone to speak words of life into me again.
And this woman spoke hope into me, and for the first time in a year, I began to get excited about the idea of getting pregnant again. It wasn't long afterwards that I did fall pregnant - and soon after that we found out that it was twins again!
Upon hearing this news, thousands of thoughts raced through my mind - but one thought stuck out to me most - and it was the echoing of the womens' word that said I would be holding a child by Christmas time. I quickly did the calculations and realised that these children would be due 23 Nov - plenty of time to be held by Christmas. And the little seed of hope in my heart grew and I hung on for dear life!
In fact early on in the pregnancy before we even knew I was carrying twins - Leigh felt like I was going to be pregnant with twins - that God was going to give back what we lost. Our OB was as shocked as I was when we found out we were having twins again as there was "no logical or medical reason" that should have happened. Leigh said, he just knew. Weeks later, after we had long processed this information, our OB was still reeling from the shock of it all and wondered if we had recovered from it!
In my first pregnancy it was so exciting to be pregnant. Every little detail was a joyful discovery and an amazing adventure. I also felt physically well and aside from a few scares, figured that pregnancy was quite an enjoyable experience - of course up until we lost the kids.
I wish I could say the same for this pregnancy. Don't get me wrong, I'm still elated and excited that I'm carrying these children, but I have so much apprehension this time around. It's hard to allow myself the joy of being a mother when I'm worried it can be taken from me any second. At one point I realised I wasn't allowing myself to connect to these kids in case they were taken from me. I guess I'm scared my body will let me down and not do what it's supposed to - and I hate not being in control of that. So recently I have made a giant effort to work on loving these babies even though I'm scared to.
I mentioned last post that it has helped tremendously having people pray for us and support us around the globe. Still I stress at least one GIANT STRESSER a day, "Will I go into early labour? Do I have a blood clot? Did my waters just break? Was that a contraction? Will I lose these children too? Will both my children survive?" Apparently these are "normal" fears to have in my situation.
Leigh's patience with me through these "stressors" has been such a help because he firmly believes that God has given these children as a gift to us. He listens to me carefully and talks me through each fear. And even after talking to family members and close friends - there has been a general consensus-y vibe that these kids will be okay. This continues to strengthen my faith and continues to develop that seed of hope that was dropped into my heart by the woman from our church early on in the year.
I just recently had to go in to the hospital and get a stitch, and that was terrifying. But it was our only option at that point, and the best decision that could have be made. Since then I have been put on bedrest with bathroom and shower privileges only. It is very hard mentally, and even physically on my "unused" muscles, but necessary in keeping these children inside as long as possible... Only being at 22 weeks now, I will have to "rest" for awhile yet- another 15 weeks would be great...
For the most part - most days - I do believe all will be well. It's those tiny doubtful moments that creep up on you when you are alone and vulnerable that I still need to overcome - and I'm thankful that God has a good track record of proving Himself faithful over and over again to me and to many others. James 1 says, "2 Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, 3 because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. 4 Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything" and continued on in verse 12 "12 Blessed is the one who perseveres under trial because, having stood the test, that person will receive the crown of life that the Lord has promised to those who love him."
So with a shaky faith, and the strength of faith of others around me - I take a deep breath and move forward day by day, moment by moment, facing my trials, persevering, maturing, not lacking anything - looking to the crown of life that the Lord has promised.
Some people may struggle with this kind of forward prophecy or word - but at the time it was exactly what I needed to hear to bring a seed of hope back into my heart. I had been aching for someone to speak hope back into me. I guess I was feeling like I was a child that had touched a hot stove and burned myself, and I was scared to get burned again - and I just wanted desperately for someone to speak words of life into me again.
And this woman spoke hope into me, and for the first time in a year, I began to get excited about the idea of getting pregnant again. It wasn't long afterwards that I did fall pregnant - and soon after that we found out that it was twins again!
Upon hearing this news, thousands of thoughts raced through my mind - but one thought stuck out to me most - and it was the echoing of the womens' word that said I would be holding a child by Christmas time. I quickly did the calculations and realised that these children would be due 23 Nov - plenty of time to be held by Christmas. And the little seed of hope in my heart grew and I hung on for dear life!
In fact early on in the pregnancy before we even knew I was carrying twins - Leigh felt like I was going to be pregnant with twins - that God was going to give back what we lost. Our OB was as shocked as I was when we found out we were having twins again as there was "no logical or medical reason" that should have happened. Leigh said, he just knew. Weeks later, after we had long processed this information, our OB was still reeling from the shock of it all and wondered if we had recovered from it!
In my first pregnancy it was so exciting to be pregnant. Every little detail was a joyful discovery and an amazing adventure. I also felt physically well and aside from a few scares, figured that pregnancy was quite an enjoyable experience - of course up until we lost the kids.
I wish I could say the same for this pregnancy. Don't get me wrong, I'm still elated and excited that I'm carrying these children, but I have so much apprehension this time around. It's hard to allow myself the joy of being a mother when I'm worried it can be taken from me any second. At one point I realised I wasn't allowing myself to connect to these kids in case they were taken from me. I guess I'm scared my body will let me down and not do what it's supposed to - and I hate not being in control of that. So recently I have made a giant effort to work on loving these babies even though I'm scared to.
I mentioned last post that it has helped tremendously having people pray for us and support us around the globe. Still I stress at least one GIANT STRESSER a day, "Will I go into early labour? Do I have a blood clot? Did my waters just break? Was that a contraction? Will I lose these children too? Will both my children survive?" Apparently these are "normal" fears to have in my situation.
Leigh's patience with me through these "stressors" has been such a help because he firmly believes that God has given these children as a gift to us. He listens to me carefully and talks me through each fear. And even after talking to family members and close friends - there has been a general consensus-y vibe that these kids will be okay. This continues to strengthen my faith and continues to develop that seed of hope that was dropped into my heart by the woman from our church early on in the year.
I just recently had to go in to the hospital and get a stitch, and that was terrifying. But it was our only option at that point, and the best decision that could have be made. Since then I have been put on bedrest with bathroom and shower privileges only. It is very hard mentally, and even physically on my "unused" muscles, but necessary in keeping these children inside as long as possible... Only being at 22 weeks now, I will have to "rest" for awhile yet- another 15 weeks would be great...
For the most part - most days - I do believe all will be well. It's those tiny doubtful moments that creep up on you when you are alone and vulnerable that I still need to overcome - and I'm thankful that God has a good track record of proving Himself faithful over and over again to me and to many others. James 1 says, "2 Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, 3 because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. 4 Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything" and continued on in verse 12 "12 Blessed is the one who perseveres under trial because, having stood the test, that person will receive the crown of life that the Lord has promised to those who love him."
So with a shaky faith, and the strength of faith of others around me - I take a deep breath and move forward day by day, moment by moment, facing my trials, persevering, maturing, not lacking anything - looking to the crown of life that the Lord has promised.
Comments
We are praying for you
Love you! :)