Courage
Maybe this year I will have courage enough to speak what's on my mind.
My friend Heather started me thinking about choosing a "word" for myself in the new year in lieu of a new year's resolution. This year the word COURAGE came up for me.
I initiated a couple of blog posts last year with the hopes of getting back into blogging, but to be honest it was too hard, too raw, and too emotional at the time.
I am excited about what God has in store for me this year tho- and also a little apprehensive as well as slightly afraid. This is why I think God gave me the word COURAGE.
It has been a particularly difficult year in 2010 with the loss of our twins at the end of February.
So I feel anything but courageous this year especially in relation to becoming pregnant again.
What if I miscarry again? Can I handle the pain? Can I handle the heartbreak? What can I do to prevent that happening again? Will my body fail me again? Will I ever be ready again? These questions and more, have left me feeling "unready" to move forward again. Is it better to have loved and lost!? Oh it is so much easier not to love....but not better...I had a chance to love my Isaiah and Tori Jane - and I would never exchange that for anything in the world.
I have become particularly aware that I can't control my body and what it does. This is hard for someone that likes to be in control! Why can't I just be all right and why can't my body do what it's supposed to do!!!
The nights are the worst - for fear. I often think my body is failing me. I am on "hyper-tense-alert" all the time. What is that ache? What is that pain!? Am I sick? Do I have cancer? Why is that pain under my rib? Why can't I breathe thru my nose? I really hate the word infection.
As difficult as this time has been, I have also seen and experienced the joy, peace and love of God - and my faith has grown more than ever. So today I must choose to be COURAGEOUS and trust God with my future. To put these fears behind me as valid as they are....
But I can't do this without the help of God in my life...and thankfully He has given me a husband who loves the fear away...
Words from God thru Moses to the Israelites as they prepared to take the land that God promised them...Deut 31
6 Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the LORD your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you.”
My friend Heather started me thinking about choosing a "word" for myself in the new year in lieu of a new year's resolution. This year the word COURAGE came up for me.
I initiated a couple of blog posts last year with the hopes of getting back into blogging, but to be honest it was too hard, too raw, and too emotional at the time.
I am excited about what God has in store for me this year tho- and also a little apprehensive as well as slightly afraid. This is why I think God gave me the word COURAGE.
It has been a particularly difficult year in 2010 with the loss of our twins at the end of February.
So I feel anything but courageous this year especially in relation to becoming pregnant again.
What if I miscarry again? Can I handle the pain? Can I handle the heartbreak? What can I do to prevent that happening again? Will my body fail me again? Will I ever be ready again? These questions and more, have left me feeling "unready" to move forward again. Is it better to have loved and lost!? Oh it is so much easier not to love....but not better...I had a chance to love my Isaiah and Tori Jane - and I would never exchange that for anything in the world.
I have become particularly aware that I can't control my body and what it does. This is hard for someone that likes to be in control! Why can't I just be all right and why can't my body do what it's supposed to do!!!
The nights are the worst - for fear. I often think my body is failing me. I am on "hyper-tense-alert" all the time. What is that ache? What is that pain!? Am I sick? Do I have cancer? Why is that pain under my rib? Why can't I breathe thru my nose? I really hate the word infection.
As difficult as this time has been, I have also seen and experienced the joy, peace and love of God - and my faith has grown more than ever. So today I must choose to be COURAGEOUS and trust God with my future. To put these fears behind me as valid as they are....
But I can't do this without the help of God in my life...and thankfully He has given me a husband who loves the fear away...
Words from God thru Moses to the Israelites as they prepared to take the land that God promised them...Deut 316 Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the LORD your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you.”
Comments
Hey Ange. Refreshing to read your blog. Your words are unfortunately comforting in that I am reminded I'm not the only one.
Respect Sis. Debx
I am glad to see you have begun blogging again. I love your thoughts.
I hope and pray you have amazing woman around you like you were for me.
Take all the time you need to heel.
Love you
Kim